Happy Birthday to me
Sometimes I have morbid thoughts. Today, I asked my daughter to take a picture of me blowing out the candles on my birthday cake (tomorrow is my actual birthday, today was just the cake and some presents) because I thought “What if this is my last healthy birthday? What if next year I am sick and going through chemo again?”
Even though I told myself that I am not going to let the fear of dying ruin my life, sometimes negative thoughts like that occur to me. Actually I am not sure how negative it was. It was practical in a way. I am the family photographer so I am more likely to be behind the camera and not in the pictures. But recently I have been trying to make sure more pictures of me exist, for my daughter’s sake. I want her to have pictures to remember me by, just in case. And, if I live to be 100, I still want to have pictures of these days.
When I thought about not knowing where I will be next year it opened my eyes, my heart, and my brain to where I was right then and I smiled and felt grateful to be with my family, who were smiling, singing and directing joy and love to me. I closed my eyes and blew out the candles and echoed the sentiment “and many more!”