Happy Birthday to me

Sometimes I have morbid thoughts. Today, I asked my daughter to take a picture of me blowing out the candles on my birthday cake (tomorrow is my actual birthday, today was just the cake and some presents) because I thought “What if this is my last healthy birthday? What if next year I am sick and going through chemo again?”

Even though I told myself that I am not going to let the fear of dying ruin my life, sometimes negative thoughts like that occur to me. Actually I am not sure how negative it was. It was practical in a way. I am the family photographer so I am more likely to be behind the camera and not in the pictures. But recently I have been trying to make sure more pictures of me exist, for my daughter’s sake. I want her to have pictures to remember me by, just in case. And, if I live to be 100, I still want to have pictures of these days.

When I thought about not knowing where I will be next year it opened my eyes, my heart, and my brain to where I was right then and I smiled and felt grateful to be with my family, who were smiling, singing and directing joy and love to me. I closed my eyes and blew out the candles and echoed the sentiment “and many more!”

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About Annamelle

I split my time between homeschooling and writing a novel. I'm interested in and inspired by fairy tales, Jung, Buddhism, myths, architecture, nature, etiquette, hidden histories, dreams, Emerson, old books, Gaiman, and legends. "Make the most of yourself....for that is all there is of you." — Emerson

Posted on July 30, 2011, in cancer, Children, inspiration, kith and kin, letting go. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Agreed: “…and Many More.” It is my sincere hope, wish and prayer that the worst of this is behind you. You *glow* in this picture! Obviously, you bring out the best in the little photographer! Happiest of Birthdays, Heather. As always, your humble gratitude inspires us all! 😀

  2. You look so wonderful in this photo — and so young! I am glad you had so much to be grateful for on you birthday.

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